Be, Do, Have

When we look at what we want, what our heart truly wants beyond the form of the thing, it is a way that we want to feel. And below that is actually a state of being. If we want to have happiness, what we need is to Be Happy. If we want to lose weight, perhaps what we really want is to be intimate with our partner or others, and so what we must be is the Being of Intimacy, or to Be Intimate.

Transformation vs Change

This is extremely important to understand if you want to actually transform some area of your life, and not just temporarily change it. Many programs oriented to helping people either focus only on the “having” (“get a new job and you’ll be happy, let us help you achieve your goal), or the “doing” (“8 weeks to total body transformation, just follow our program of diet and exercise and you’ll be in great shape!”). People do this, and they may well achieve the goal, but it’s only temporary. Once achieved, or almost achieved, we fall back to where we were before, or even farther away.

We Think it’s Have -> Do -> Be

The built-in thinking mistake that is pervasive in all of our minds is this: we think that we have to HAVE something. Then, having that thing will enable us to DO things. And then, when we’ve done those things for a while, we will BE something.

For example, we are unhappy and we want to be happy. We think: I need to HAVE a new job, a promotion, a change of career, a new boss, or more money. Then, that will mean that I can DO the things in the new job that are better. And then I will BE happy.

We think that it goes in this order: HAVE, DO, BE.

• HAVE a great partner, and then I can DO romantic things, and then I will BE loving and loved.
• HAVE a bigger house or car, then I can DO fun things and host friends, and then I will BE happier and more connected.
• HAVE a fitter body, then I can DO sex with someone, then I will BE without shame about my weight.
• HAVE more money, then I can DO travel, then I will BE happy / excited / passionate about life
• HAVE the right teacher / course / book, then I will DO the things it says, and then I will BE fixed of my brokenness

It’s Actually Be -> Do -> Have

One of the most profound teachings that I have come to live by and practice and teach is seeing through this mistake. The way it works is not HAVE -> DO -> BE, like we think it is, but rather it is:

BE -> DO -> HAVE

Margaret Young: “Often people attempt to live their lives backwards, they try to have more things or more money in order to do more of what they want so that they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first BE who you really are then DO what you need to do in order to HAVE what you want. “

In the examples above, instead of how we normally think, instead practice this:

• I am right now BEING loving. From that, I will express and do loving things. As we do that, our world will fill with love. And that will include loving partners that want to be part of that beautiful loving world you radiate.
• I am right now Being Happy & Connected. From being connected, I will reach out and talk to friends, bring happiness with me. As my world is filled with connection, many magic things will happen.
• I will practice being intimate, being without shame, going through the vulnerable feelings. I will share with my partners about what I’m experiencing, that I am nervous about my body. They will open up as well about their fears. Then we will have intimacy and some sexual experiences. And, we will take steps to move towards a leaner body if that’s what we want, but not because we hate our current body.
• Today I can go on a mini-adventure. I can be passionate and curious about exploring. I can take a new way to work, I can explore my local environment. I can plan a trip close or far. I don’t need money to be curious and adventuresome.
• I step into being whole, beautiful just as I am. And, I can engage in teachings that help me grow, not because I have to because I’m broken, but because I want to explore and grow and create what I want in life.

If you can remember and most importantly put into practice these three words, you’ll be able to create permanent transformational change in any area of life that you want: BE, DO, HAVE.

Create The Future You Want Now, not Later

So, this is good news. Instead of constantly mortgaging our present into the future, we can directly work on what we want. Instead of working on getting a new car in order to feel connected or passionate about life, we can instead work directly on feeling connected and passionate. Of course I know you might have a sinking feeling, because it tends to be lot easier on the surface to forget about what we really want (to be happy), and instead to focus on working harder, or finding a new job, deluding ourselves that happiness will be found there. That’s where the things we’ve talked about come in: Clarity, Commitment, and Caring How You Feel. You’ll need to do a lot of those in order to practice being happy wherever you are right now when you don’t feel it. But that is the path.

Shifting Creating from Past-Present to Future-Present, and from Unconscious to Conscious

What we are doing here is moving from unconscious creation to conscious creation. Instead of us creating the past over and over, we shift into CHOOSING what we want to create. We develop through practice and insight and clarity the ability to create what we want, and to continue creating that as long as we want it. In the future if we want something else, we can choose to create that.

Lack Based Unconsciousness vs Abundance

The normal way of thinking (Have, Do, Be) is based on lack. We don’t have something, we need to get it. This is starting from a foundational thought that we are lacking. This is absolutely endemic in our culture. Almost our entire economy is built on this delusion. Advertising is based on this - you don’t have this thing, you are broken as a result, let us sell it to you and then you will be perfect. Much of our TV, our so-called “news” sites, much of the internet, the stores we go to, everything around us is constantly pushing a lack-based approach. All the false scarcity economy (only 2 days left to buy this! On Sale Now!). Because that’s how people think, and it’s how we have learned to make money. We are taught that this is the way, because that’s what our parents and teachers and friends think. It’s endemic!

We say “well that’s just the way it is”. No! It’s the way we think. So it is absolutely radical to shift how we think to an abundance based approach instead. But, this is what is necessary, very simply, to be happy. This is why this shift of mind, of what you put your attention on, is absolutely practical, it is literally what you must do, it’s not something abstract. More on that in the next chapter.

The feeling when we are in the Being of what we want is immensely different. Instead of remaining in lack, and working like hell to try and get something that we think will make us happy, we skip all of that, and instead step right in, right now, to what we want. Be Happy! I know it might sound trite, but this really is the practice. Even if it’s just a tiny fraction of one second that you can do it, that is great! That is perfect. That’s exactly what you need. Do it over and over and after a while it will last for a second. Then a minute, and then most of the time. Instead of waiting until you find a partner, be loving right now, all day long, and just see what happens. Your whole world will change.

EXERCISE

Step 1: Reflect on your life

Examine where you are using Have -> Do -> Be thinking. Wherever you feel stuck, think through how you are creating a barrier thinking that you have to HAVE something in order to move forward. What if instead you focused on BEING what you want, and then acting from there?

Step 2: Yeah, But….!

Reflect on how often you use the words “Yeah, but…..”. This tends to be a marker of Have, Do, Be thinking. “I want to be happy. Yeah, but, I need to get a better job for that, this job sucks”. “I want to be loving with my partner. Yeah, but, she never initiates that.”

Step 3. Visualize Your Beings

Take each of the 1, 2, or 3 ways of being that you have chosen into as the most important things in your life to transform. For each one, visualize yourself as BEING that, already, right now. If you were being that, what actions would flow from that? You don’t have to be able to fully feel it, you can pretend you do. If you were actually happy, what actions would that version of you do? Write down as many as you can, playing the “what if” game. What if you were happy, what would you do? What if you were feeling at peace in the world, what would you do?

What’s Next

Be, Do, Have, in that order, is the core practice of transformation. It is the engine that will get you where you want. The more you practice Being the faster this will happen. In the next chapter we’ll talk specifically about HOW to do this.