What Do You Want?

The first question I always start with a new client after we get to know each other is always: “What do you want?”

It’s a very simple question but has the tendency to be quite destabilizing! When we really open up to this question, it can open up a space of total not-knowing. And that’s where the fun starts!

We tend to get so into the ruts and routines of our lives that we don’t ask this question, at least not with any depth. When people talk to me, they are usually struggling with some form of this question, like feeling they aren’t where they want to be, or the consequences of not asking it, like feeling stuck or panicked or depressed.

I’ll keep this chapter short and practical, with an exercise for you to do, but this is a deep topic to explore.

Seven Life Categories

You’re going to be diving into your life. You can use these seven categories if you like as a way to think through the things you want and don’t want:

1. Career, job & money
2. Body, weight, health, fitness, sports
3. Spiritual life
4. Community and friends
5. Intimate relationships, partners, lovers
6. Art and creativity
7. Travel, exploration, passion, hobbies

Two Big Things to Remember

1. What you really want is going to be a feeling.

What you really want is going to be a feeling. You might think you want money, but underneath that, you probably want to feel secure and safe, or you want to feel like a good partner or parent. It’s not the thing you want, but the feeling you believe you’ll have, or the person you think you’ll get to be, if you had that thing.

2. It tends to be MUCH easier to see what you don’t want than what you do want.

That’s great! It gives us an easy way to find the things we do want. Look at each of the life areas, and notice what you don’t like. It might be that you’re in the wrong job, hate your boss, are not having sex, want to change your body, don’t have enough close friends, and so on. Just notice it. Don’t wallow in what’s wrong—just notice what you don’t like and capture it. It’s usually pretty easy to see what we don’t like.

EXERCISE

Step 1: Find a Quiet Space

Get yourself into a place and time where you can reflect and invest in yourself for a little while.

Step 2: Use Paper

Take a large sheet of paper. While you can do this on the computer or phone, it’s often more effective to work on paper. Put the phone away for a while.

Step 3: Create Two Columns

Draw a line down the middle, making two columns. At the top of the left column, write: “What I DON’T Want.” At the top of the right column, write: “What I Want.”

Step 4: Start with What You Want

Begin filling in the right-hand column. There are probably a few things that you can fill in right away that you want. Write down whatever comes to mind, such as more money, a better car or house, a new (or better) partner, a better career, to lose weight, or whatever comes to mind that you want.

Step 5: Go Deeper

Now, try and feel below those things to what you really want. Reflect on what’s underneath these surface desires. What do you really want? What’s in your heart? Write these things down. The feelings that you want - for example it’s not weight loss that you want, but having sex without shame for example, or feeling agile and mobile moving through the world. It’s not really money you want, but maybe it’s being a good father, and so on.

Step 6: Pause and Reflect

When you get stuck, that’s great, give yourself some time and space. Feel into your heart and see what might come up after a minute or three. These things have been suppressed in you for a while, so they’re going to take a little time to surface up again.

Step 7: Explore What You Don’t Want

When you feel stuck, move to the left column. Start listing what you don’t want. This tends to be much easier. So go to town! List all the things you don’t want, across the various areas of life listed above.

Step 8: Find what you want from what you don’t want

For every item on the “Don’t Want” list, ask yourself: What do I want instead? For example:

• If you don’t want the body you have, maybe you do want a body that is fitter or leaner.

If you don’t want to be having no sex, then you do want to have close intimate loving relations with someone.

• If you don’t want to be lonely, then you do want a close friend to confide in.

As you find out what you really want from seeing the things you don’t want, write them in the right-hand column.

Step 9: Take Your Time

Keep going! Dive in deeply. If you need to step away, that’s fine—but return to it later and keep going. Reflection takes time, and it’s worth it. It will set you up for some powerful transformation if you dig deep into what’s really going on in your heart rather than your head.

What Happens Next?

This exercise should open up some things for you. Take a moment to appreciate yourself for diving into this wholeheartedly. If you didn’t, appreciate yourself for wanting to—even the desire to reflect is a wonderful thing. Resistance is natural and part of the process; you can expect it and work through it.

This is the beginning of developing clarity. In the next chapter, we’ll delve deeper into what you uncovered and develop more clarity. For now, sit with what you’ve revealed. Let it settle and see what shifts in your awareness.